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Closed Bible: Closed Heart

A few weeks ago, I felt like I was going through a ‘dry’ spell. Not just in my spiritual life, but in all areas. I was walking with a friend and I was sharing with her that I didn’t feel like reading my Bible. I didn’t feel like putting in the energy it took to be a good wife and mother. I felt very closed off to everything. I didn’t want to justify any of my feelings, I just wanted to be numb to everything.

If I’m being honest, I’m feeling very ‘over’ it all. All meaning this pandemic. I’m ready for things to start opening up again and life to start feeling like it has some normalcy to it. I’m tired of people not looking at you or saying, “Hi” in the stores, I’m tired of wearing masks that reveal to you everything you’ve eaten since the last time you brushed your teeth. It was all just feeling a bit frustrating to me at this point.

During this week of letting myself feel all the emotions, I had stopped feeding myself spiritually. I didn’t want to open my Bible in the morning(or anytime of the day). I spent a lot of time just sitting and thinking. I let my prayers be real and felt very raw to God. 

I always feel a little weird in this part of my relationship with God. Should I really be sharing the anger and frustrations of my heart to the one who created me? Shouldn’t I just be happy and thankful all the time to God? My deepest relationships with people are the ones where I can open up and let them know my true thoughts. The ones where I can share my frustration and anger and they still love me. If I don’t open myself up and become vulnerable with them our relationship doesn’t grow. So yes, I should be sharing this part of my heart with God. Sharing everything with Him is going to allow my relationship to grow deeper with Him. Sharing my heart with him like that allows me to open myself up to Him, be vulnerable, and let Him root out those things that shouldn’t be there and replace them with truth. 

I had spent a week letting the things of this world consume me. I was letting news articles and Facebook posts consume my heart, not the Lord. The things we consume ourselves with and fill our minds with are the things that start to become the meditation of our heart. When we don’t have the right things consuming us, our minds can start to get in a scary place. 

One morning I decided I had had enough and I was going to get myself out of this mindset. I was going to stay off social media and read my Bible. I opened my Bible and out fell a journal entry from a retreat I was a part of last year. In this journal was a devotional I wrote on our heart’s desire. This was exactly the reminder I needed at that moment. 

I wrote about the meditation of our hearts and asked questions about where our hearts were, and what was consuming our hearts. Even though I wrote this over a year ago, it was so relevant to my situation right now. Often when I’m writing things or planning speaking topics for events, the Lord uses what I’m writing or learning about to work on my own life, even more than for other people. I decided I was going to do my own devotional and reevaluate my heart. 

I realized that in a short span of a week I had let my heart get hard. I allowed social media and the world to get into my head. I let the world have a bigger impact on me than Christ. I had closed my Bible and in turn, closed my heart to the only one that matters. 

Working my way through the devotional allowed me to redirect my thoughts and open my heart back up. I allowed myself to be vulnerable with God again. God calls us to guard our hearts, but He doesn’t call us to have hard hearts. When we harden our hearts we’re no longer allowing anything to filter through, whether good or bad.

Opening my heart back up to Him allowed me to realize just how much He cares for me and the desires of my heart. God is always in control, He is always on the throne. And I need to seek Him, and meditate on His word constantly. It is the only thing that can fulfill me and pull me out of the pit of despair. Seeking Him is the only way I can allow my heart to be consumed by Him. And that’s really all I want- a heart that is consumed with Christ. 

I think it’s good for me to go through these kinds of weeks from time to time. It reminds me who I’m putting my trust in and what my focus is on. I don’t think that feeling this way means I have a weak faith, but rather, I think it shows just how much I need a Savior. 

I’m going to share my devotional with you. Feel free to print it off and work through it if you’re feeling like your heart and mind could use a reset.

Our Heart’s Desire Devotional

Hi, I’m Hannah.

I am a lover of Jesus, wife, and mom to 3 kids. Occasionally I like to share things that are on my heart and you’ll find them here. Thanks for taking the time to check out my site!

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